I was going through old pictures when I answered this question. If I could travel in time in my own life, I would live my childhood again.
The reason? Well, certainly because I don’t remember it. No, really. I don’t. I have no memories of what was going on in my life. I often use the metaphor a the train station. I was seeing trains passing by and people getting on and off while I was sitting on a bench. There were no interactions between me and the passengers, I was alone. I didn’t have the feeling to wait, I was just assisting to an event without being a part of it. When I say event, I speak about life. I was interested in no trains but I have always been interested in passengers. I looked at them, at their clothes, at their facial expressions. I listened to their conversations, to their rants and crushes. I was like a little mouse, very quiet and observant. But I barely spoke to them and I barely got on trains.
I think I have always been in my world and it is complicated for people to reach me. I have been diagnosed with an IQ higher than the average. Yes, I used the medical word “diagnosed” because sometimes, I can’t help seeing it as a disease. I am not autistic, the tests — realized with the WISC-III — revealed I am a balanced person but I do feel a distance between me and people. As if we were not living on the same planet, as if we couldn’t understand each other. When I was a little girl — and still today –, my father was very proud of his girl genius and he was always stimulating me. I am certainly one of the few children who learnt multiplication tables from 1 to 9, from 9 to 1, and in a total anarchic order. I am certainly one of the few children who copied random definitions from dictionary just to learn something by heart. When my father talks with me about my studies and future job, he always tells me “you have the capacities to do so”.
My IQ gives me capacities, that’s true. My personality gives me capacities, that’s true too. But at the age of 6, 7, 8, I didn’t care about them. I didn’t even realize they existed. I was just a weird kid, very quiet and always surrounded by adults. We call us nerds now, but even if the word is trendy, it wasn’t always a lovely period because you feel like you will never fit in society.
I have some flashbacks of my childhood. I remember walking with my grandmother and eating ice cream. I remember that day when I stayed in class instead of going to play outside with other kids. The teacher came in the classroom and asked me what I was doing. I was drawing and I told him I wanted to be alone. I remember the complexity of speaking with other children because they didn’t understand me. I remember that day when I got bitten by a little girl because I was defending another kid — yes, I have always known I was Wonderwoman.
If I had to describe my childhood, I would say
an adult mind in a child body
My capability of understanding everything was very high for my age but my little body didn’t allow me to act like if I was an adult. This is why I want to live my childhood again. I would be more aware of what is going on. I would ask to see my great-grandparents one last time as I barely knew them. I would ask questions instead of keeping my mouth shut. I would share what is on my mind instead of thinking it is vulgar to be proud of oneself. And I would dream and create, dream and create.
I realize I could have chosen to travel in time to the future. In fact, I am very curious of what is next in my life… I do want to know what is going to happen, if I will pursue my studies until I get a PhD or not, if I will have children or not, if I will travel the world for holidays or for work. If I will still meet my old friends. But I like to be surprised sometimes and I know I will do something good with my life. I am strong. I have goals. It is going to be okay, so don’t spoil me.
Tell me, when would you go to?
Ps : 6×9?