Oh, are you crying again?

Hello people of the Universe !

I cry like everybody. When I am happy, when I am sad, upset, angry, surprised. I cry often and most of the time, like everybody.

Yesterday, I cried. It seems like one of the most usual event, so usual that you only need to make a cup of tea, wrap in a blanket and call a friend to feel better. It is as easy for me. But that time, I didn’t cry like everybody. I had a crisis and it is time to explain what really happened.

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During those moments, like last night, what I live is a complete terror. I feel like I don’t fit in, I need space. I feel like I am in a place I don’t know, somewhere I am not accepted, a place that rejects me and devours me from the inside. It is an absolute panic, a desperate and irrepressible wish to escape, to leave far away. My body wants to die because what it endures is painful, so painful I can’t move and have to lay down on my bed. Something overwhelms me, I feel like I can’t breathe and the only option for my body remains to die. I press my arms on my stomach and try to put aside the headache. I cry so much I can’t think clearly. My heart bleeds, I feel I am crushed by all sides and I silently ask for help. I ask for all of that to stop but I know it won’t, and I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. I just want to disappear. It is scary. It is my life.

I would like to tell you I have an explication, but there is not. At least, it is neither a physical, nor an observable one. I never speak about it around me, I am too afraid. People won’t understand, I think. People won’t take it seriously, I answer. People will take too seriously, I whisper.

When those moments happen, I can’t tell you I don’t want to die. The fake reality I am put in makes me wish to. As I don’t understand why, I let fear take more and more place in my body until… But fortunately, I have the presence of mind to cling to the real world, I think of what my life truly is and I keep asking why, why, why, until it creates a song in my head, a lullaby that pacifies the fear. One more time, I survived.

When I was a teenager, I used to seeing writing like a state of endless suffering — Baudelaire is one of my favorite poets for a reason. I wrote poems about death and suicide, I imagined odors and lack of colors, putrefaction of bodies and knives still covered by blood. Today, I am scared of everything, knives, people, everything. I walk in the street with difficulty, I feel like everybody is watching me and analyze my movements. Disdainful looks and sarcastics laughs are always for me. All my anxieties rise to the surface all of a sudden, without any reason, or maybe there is? I don’t know. I study psychology and I can’t find a label to put on what is going on. There is a message I can’t read, I don’t have the good tools. I just know I am like a sponge, I absorb negativity at light speed. I absorb what doesn’t concern me and keep it inside until I explode. My stomach is a time bomb.

It occured again today, in the bus. I fought to keep standing on my legs and looked the landscape outside not to cry and let that force, that fear takes everything away from me. I wish I had an explanation, but I can’t find one. Nothing is in tune anymore and everything is out of sync, shaky. It often happens like that, without warning. It ingratiates and belittles me. But I know it will leave me soon. I will eat and enjoy being with friends again. It is its thing to jostle my balance and then leave. I am used to it. Unfortunately.

But one question remains in my mind: is it all a question of safety?

Love,                                                                                                                         Marion

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7 thoughts on “Oh, are you crying again?

  1. All I can tell you is it will pass, trust me all of it will pass and you will look back one day and when you’ll finally be laughing till your stomach aches you will be proud of what you went through.

    Liked by 1 person

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