This year, I tried to light up the world

Hello people of the Universe !

If I had to sum up this year, I would say it has been a lot about seeing candles burn. I started to light candles to make my home lovely and warm to feel better, and I ended up lighting candles for the victims of attacks all over the world. I lighted candles to enjoy a safe place, I lighted candles to wish for a safer place for everyone.

In this period of Chanukah and as I know and follow several Jews, I assist to the lighting of their chanukiah every night. During eight days, Jews light a new branch, from right to left, perfect metaphor of light’s victory over darkness. The gradual triumph of good over evil. “We must light up the world more and more every night“, as I got explained. These words have found a resonance in me.

Lighting up the world. Lighting up my world.

It makes sense to me, and I feel grateful to have been able to find that light around me during this long and moving year. I fed myself with smiles and cute and smart words while I was not feeling good. I read, and read, and read again to visit other worlds and come back with more strength and more ideas to keep the light shine. I tried to become a bit more confident and speak my mind with kindness and honesty to meet people. And even if my phobia has become a lot more crippling, I now know why it exists and I know I can overcome it. I also tried to be optimistic, positive, smiling and helpful. I tried to make me happy because I now know I deserve it. And you know what? When you understand that, it is much more easier to make people happy. I feel like darkness is around me but I also feel like I can choose to take it away or let it come in. I was more attentive to people, more in compassion. I tried to say yes when I really, really wanted to say no because I thought I could not make it.

This year, I really tried to light up the world. And it was mutual.

I eat again. I wouldn’t say I eat well, but at least I eat. I am less skinny than last year even if I still have to get weight and muscles. I go to the grocery store every week, even if I am afraid to go. I just have to tell myself several times “tomorrow, you go” and prepare all the things I need. Anticipation makes it easier, it makes you forget the what ifs. I also went several times to the cinema with a friend and that was amazing. I felt like I was a total normal person that can go wherever she wants without being afraid. I even left the house with pleasure. Meeting people you feel safe with is wonderful. Even if I don’t speak about my personal problems (like my phobia and alimentation issue) to my parents, their support is always needed and I am thankful for that too. But the greatest victory of this year for me is my ability to write again. My writing has changed a lot. I find difficult to write stories from now on. I find difficult to invent a whole new world with characters I don’t know and have to discover through my writing. I find more joy in grokking about what I see, what I feel and what I think. Most of my childhood and teenage years was about having personal conversations with myself about what was going on around me. I needed to discuss politics, friendships, beauty, idealism with I, me and myself. Maybe I should not write that I needed it, it was more like 1) I prefered to be alone, 2) at 8, nobody wants to speak about that, 3) at 16, everybody speaks about that but wants to impose their opinion and refuses criticisms. Well, I had no choice, haha.

But writing is definitely a huge part of my life and it is delightful. Thanks to Mayim Bialik’s website, Grok Nation, I can even post my thoughts online and discuss with people from all over the world. It allows me to discover a whole new spectrum of opinions and points of view as I meet people with a different culture than mine. And when you are in a university where a little group of students-politicians want to lead, you find so peaceful and pleasant to speak with respectful people. I love writing something and knowing some people will read it. I am a good speaker, usually, but I don’t have many occasions to speak publicly.

You know how much I love metaphors so here is the one I want to write today. Grok Nation is like the shamash to me, the ninth candle of the chanukiah. Its flame is used to light all the other candles, again and again. Grok Nation is the beginning of a long human chain and for every article, the fire it creates gets bigger and brighter. People share about their own opinions, are open-minded and listen to others. If they don’t know or don’t understand, they ask for answers. Grok Nation’s flame takes ignorance away.

I know some people that read Grok Nation only want to know more about Mayim Bialik as Amy Farrah Fowler and it is a good thing, but I also hope they find a way to think deeply about what she writes and wants to share and discuss. There is always a second reading to her articles.

Through the characters she plays, through her own being, Mayim always gives us the possibility to grok about life. It can be about your relationships, your passions, your job, your difference, your freedom, your traditions, your values, your choices. As a neuroscientist, she makes you understand that Science is magical. As for Amy, she reveals we are the best version of ourselves and even if we know that, sometimes, our decisions hurt.

A lot of us have their own role models. Father, mother, brother (♥), sister, friend, teacher, celebrity. We all find something in others that lights a candle in our heart. May the wind of doubt and belittlement never blows its flame.

Love, hugs and positive thoughts,                                                                                         Marion

Ps: I really want to thank all the staff of Grok Nation, especially Esther who has always been funny, lovely and nice to me (and who shared her experience as a guest at the White House! *proud eyes*). Aurélie, I know you are reading my words, thank you for grokking with me.

Happy 4 months old, Grok Nation! Happy birthday, Mayim! Thanks to you, I think I have found my safe place.


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