Relationships and sexuality: what Shamy teaches us

Hello people of the Universe !

Oh, boy. The socially awkward girl (a.k.a myself) is going to discuss relationships. Are you ready? It promises to be interesting. Let me give you a hug, first.

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Ah, relationships. I spent a long time in front of my screen before writing this. I couldn’t stop writing a sentence and pressing delete again and again. I felt like either my words were too rational, or too intimate. There was no balance. I also didn’t want to write a piece that would only speak to fans of The Big Bang Theory. I hope you, reader, can relate, whatever you are a fan or not. It is not a big deal. I also hope you don’t mind reading a long article, I have a lot to say.

As you certainly know (if you don’t, it must be because you are living in a cave and if so, how are you even able to read this?!), Sheldon and Amy made love. Guess what, I got spoiled by Mayim herself on that one. When she published a status where she explained the whole thing, I was trying to avoid every single video and picture and word that could refer to next episodes. It failed, obviously. The point that I want to make is that Shamy’s relationship is pretty unique (and I am not looking for having the same), but I have noticed many features that made my heart melt as I find them very touching but also essential. I am going to discuss only 3 of them but I will appreciate if you have any other idea and want to discuss them with me in the comments!

Love, attentions, reciprocity (yes, the three of them!)

They love each other. They do. I know some people can be in a relationship or have sex without feeling anything but attraction for someone but it is not my case. That’s why I want to highlight this.

Love is not only a question of saying I love you. Love is in every kind thought you have for your partner. It can be sending a picture of a place that reminds you of him/her, cooking a dish he/she loves, buying a book that could interest him/her, planning his/her ideal trip. On my list of immaterial attentions, being here for your partner is number one, singing soft kitty when he/she is sick is number two (I might not be kidding!). Sheldon and Amy tend to be very present for each other without the other one really knows it. They are not very expansive, it is their way to love each other, but they always have a look, a word that is precious and meaningful.

Reciprocity is another topic but I do think it goes with love and attentions. It seems like Amy does more for Sheldon but I think we only notice what is conventional for us. Sheldon has his own way to please Amy. Plus, reciprocity is not a trade. It is not a question of “2 to 1”. Reciprocity is more about spending time with your other half and doing something he or she likes for example. It is only about making the one you love happy. Of course, it does not only concern enjoyable things, it is an everyday way of living. Reciprocity lies in chores, in education of your children, in careers. I think it is how you balance your relationship.

Time

I don’t want to talk about time as a duration, but more as a feeling. You know, when it is the good time.

Being ready, feeling you are ready is important. Not only is it important if you are a virgin, but also if you meet a new boyfriend/girlfriend. A new partner is always a new experience and, well, a first time. After five years we could think Amy was more than ready. She was very explicit about it, always making references (my favorite remains “I am hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday”) but at the end, was she really ready?

Bernadette and Penny told her that Sheldon wanted to “get physical” with her. I think she needed that. She needed to be prepared to this new step in her relationship with Sheldon, especially as they had just gotten back together. I don’t want to imagine what could have been her reaction if Sheldon had directly said he wanted to make love to her. I think she would have been scared, excited too, but scared, and it wouldn’t have been a good experience.

What you create in your head, the movements you picture, the feelings you imagine — they seem all perfect and sweet and “millimetric” but reality is not like that. You both need to define the good time and speak about it to make it less like a big deal and feel less under pressure. What I love in Amy and Sheldon’s relationship is their ability to live out of the social norms. When you understand society doesn’t define the way you have to make love, it is already a weight off your shoulders.

Trust

Speaking with your partner includes trust. Feeling safe with someone is so, so important to me (I am not suffering from phobic disorder for no reason!). I was kind of impressed of how naturally Sheldon succeeded to calm down Amy and make her feel safe. As Amy was the “leader” of everything that was related to physical contact, it was surprising and touching to hear Sheldon’s words of comfort. And I have to write something:

He asked for her consent. He asked for her consent. Let me write this again. He asked for her consent. I never ever saw this on TV and was thrilled to hear that. It is very rare when you think of it. When you are in a relationship, you often use possessive words, as if you “owned” your partner and his/her body. I am the first one to use possessive words like “you’re mine” and such, but we never possess anybody and even if we are in a relationship, our body doesn’t belong to our partner. When Sheldon asked for Amy’s consent it was a good reminder, and she trusted him enough to say yes.

There is one thing I would like to add and unfortunately, it isn’t very nice to say. You know, when medias speak a lot about something, you really want to know why and see what happens. I was impatient to know how the writers succeeded to create a sweet, physical moment between Amy and Sheldon whereas they were not together anymore for several weeks. I also wanted to know the characters’ behaviors and reactions, how they would act to keep being themselves and not lose what makes them quirky and different and, well, unique. Either you consider Amy and Sheldon as real people or not, this new step was worth speaking about.

But (yes, here is the but), journalists wasted my pleasure. I didn’t read anything about this episode before it was aired, I wanted to be as surprised as possible, but then I checked what journalists were saying about it. Well. Journalists seem very fond of this kind of stories, even more when they deal with unperfect characters, even more when those characters are two virgins. What I expected from them was to speak about the tenderness of the scene, ask about the difficulties actors came accross, and I hope they would transpose this into a tangible relationship, into reality, by asking Mayim Bialik (neuroscientist and thinker) about sex in general and what could represent Shamy’s relationship in our society (or even in other sitcoms/movies) regarding our sexual behaviors.

As a naive person, I really thought I would read something like that… I was kidding myself. Instead, journalists found more interesting to ask things like did Amy enjoy having sex with Sheldon? or how long did Sheldon make it last? TBBT doesn’t have the purpose to teach about sex. It only presents you different kinds of relationships and make you laugh about all of them because no, none of them is perfect. Contrary to the sitcom, media can go deeper into sexuality and make explicit criticisms or advice. I am not talking of their ability to spread naked celebrity pictures all over the world but of their ability to inform, prevent, educate people.

I tend to always try to understand what is behind a scene on TV, if the writers want to give you a message. I don’t know if I would have reacted in the same way about another subject, but I can’t help thinking of all teenagers who watch the show, don’t know what to think about sexuality, and then read articles that describe sex out of context and make it a competition or a goal more than an expression of love and/or pleasure.

Anyways.

Don’t forget you will always find answers and advice about sexuality to the family planning, your doctor or your school nurse if you can’t or don’t want to ask to your family. El sexo es la vida! as my hispanic history teacher says, and you need to get educated about it. Keep in mind life is not only about sex, sex is not an obligation and nobody has the right to force you to do anything you don’t want to with your body.

Love and take care,                                                                                                                         Marion

Update: you are so many to read this, I am impressed! I don’t know where you found my link but thank you very much and thank you to Mayim Bialik who liked my picture on Instagram. These are very important topics we need to discuss.

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Ps: Read Mayim’s reactions here, here and here.

Twitter: @_xMarion – Instagram: @milledetails

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5 thoughts on “Relationships and sexuality: what Shamy teaches us

  1. Thank you so much for pointing out the apparently-not-so-obvious aspect of trust.
    It always seems to me that people talk about trust in relationships as if it’s natural. But when I talked about how my boyfriend and I defined our relationship, just when we got in a sexual relationship (literally just after), the reaction was usually “Don’t you think you’re being rash?”
    While I on my part thought that if I love and trust someone, who was then my best friend, I can open up to him in all matters.
    It’s funny, cause in my first relationship, I was told that I was waitting for too long to get into bed with him, while I didn’t trust him enough.

    I wish I read this back then.

    Really enjoyed this post, you write beautifully. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right, trust seems to be a very natural thing whereas we have to work on it and create it. Trusting someone is not as easy as we think it is and it is better (according to me) to be with a partner that makes you feel safe and confident.
      Thank you very much, hope to read you again. :)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Excellent piece. I’m married only 3 years (almost) and we still have this. Do not settle. Find it this way! The writers on the show have their relationship so dead on to reality. Great bravery in speaking up!

    Liked by 1 person

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